Monday, April 12, 2010

And I Thought My Jokes Were Bad

Here's a story I wrote for a creative writing in fiction class that I thought might be enjoyed by people who would possibly read this. If you find it hard to read, I can send you the .docx file that it is in. Just leave a comment asking for the original.

And I Thought My Jokes Were Bad
by Alapai Michels

    Okay, reader, let's get this started. Yeah, I know you're there. Hey, just because I'm a character in this story doesn't mean I don't have to know about my status as a character. Nv'mzt, stop antagonizing the reader. The reader doesn't often read about characters that know they are characters, so give the reader some slack. Fine, but I'm warning you, I know what you're up to, reader. Where was I? Oh, that's right.

   Okay, reader, let's get this started. You want to hear about my tales of heroism? Being heroic means actually being like a hero, not saying you are like one. Oh, shut up, voice, you're not helping. They hadn't read about me before, and already, you're making me look bad. Thanks a lot. And I've lost my place again. Geez, this is already starting out horribly, and we haven't gotten anywhere yet. And whose fault is that? You've done most of the talking. Oh, sure, blame me. You're the one that keeps interrupting. Okay, last time starting this story.

    Okay, reader, let's get this started. Oh, wait, I already said that. Twice before, actually. Shut up. Let me talk. You're doing all the talking anyway. Except when you keep interrupting. Oh, great, we're having the same argument as before. The reader is going to get bored soon and read some other story. That story won't be as interesting as ours. And the reader would know that how? You keep stopping me from starting the story. Let's just jump in.

    I was cruising along, looking for some, um, what was I looking for again? Fun, you were looking for fun. Oh, and to kill new and exotic people. Hey, that was from the trailer with the guy whose healing factor I have. Well, he didn't have it, then. Let's just ignore that movie for the sake of the reader. And everybody. And Wade. Good point. Anyway, I was looking for something fun.

    I had barely gotten out of the Milky Way, as you humans call it, when this guy started freaking out. I wasn't freaking out, I was merely kept enraptured by Hey, stop spoiling it for the reader. Anyway, voice over here ^ was freaking out, and kept demanding we turn away. I only felt that continuing in the direction we were going wasn't in our best interest. Hey, right now, I'm pretty much freaking immortal. You freaking out wasn't going to stop me. Hey, let's just act it out again, so it seems more present tense and less like we are merely recapping it. Finally admitting my acting talent? Fine by me. I'm just trying to get you to stop complaining about things in the past. After all, it worked out, didn't it? Now, who's spoiling it? Aw, go play in traffic.

    I just got out of the Milky Way. I'm heading for parts unknown. Well, Nv'mzt, I'm not sure if we should head in that direction. It seems [dramatic pause] ominous. (Stupid voice using a dramatic pause. Doesn't he know it is in a story, and therefore just visible as directions? Hey, get out of these parentheses and get on with the story. Fine, fine.) Oh, silly head voice, look at the scanner, nothing is over in that direction. It's perfectly fine. I don't know. I've got a bad feeling about this. Hey, don’t quote Star Wa Shhhhh. Do you want to get sued for copyright infringement? Oh, right. Don't quote a movie series that had three good movies, then three bad ones, and then got even worse, the main theme of the series being about space battles won over sword fights. We don't want to seem like we are stealing from somebody else. Well, Alapai is copying ideas in all his mmmmpphh, mmpphh… Yeah, no, I'm not going to let you bad mouth me in my own story. And my ideas are loving homages to the stories I stea…, er, rip of…, er, reference. Wait, did you just interject in your own story, Alapai? Now, that's crazier than any of the things I've done. No, it isn't. Hey, stop dragging me into all this. Just get on with the story. Oh, and head voice, don't try bad mouthing me again or we're going to have to go get the serious voice.

    Anyway, let's just keep going forward. You're going to regret it. I just know something bad is going to happen. Man, you're a buzzkill. Come on, where's your sense of adventure. Exploring the unknown, to boldly go where no man has gone be…FFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFUUUUUUUUUUUUUUU. Look what you've done! Now, I'm quoting things! Ignore it, let's just keep going. Ahem. Well, if something bad happens, don't say I didn't warn you. Sigh… Okay. Come on, head voice! Onward I go.

    So, anyway, I headed off. Voice was supposed to be watching to see where I were going, but… ANYWAY, voice was guiding me, and instead of going off into empty space, which I wanted to do Hey, don't blame me! I was watching the sensor. Nothing was there! It was really well cloaked or something.You wanted to have fun. You admitted as much earlier. Stop trying to lie to the reader. Fine, instead of going off into empty space like I had pretty much planned on doing, I almost ran smack into a planet. The planet came out of nowhere and almost killed me. Like I said, it didn't come out of nowhere, it was cloaked. Whatever. Anyway, I made some quick flying moves, did I mention how awesome I was in flight school. I was flying circles around the other Skr Yeah, you can't say what race you are. There's a copyright on it. But it's my own damn race! Doesn't matter, a company owns the rights. Well, what am I supposed to call myself then? Hmmm, I'll call myself a Llurks. Does that name work? I guess it does since I wasn't censored before saying it.
    Okay, so I was a great pilot at Sk…, ahem, Sollurks' flight school. And that's off topic. Sorry. Those were good days, back in flight school. I was all ready to become a soldier in the, sigh, Llurks army. Anyway, where was I? Oh, right. My quick flying allowed me to land safely on the planet. You know, it's not nice to lie. You didn't land safely as much as get pulled in by a tractor beam. Hey, this is my story. I'll tell it how I want to tell it. Anyway, I landed safely.

    Suddenly, I was surrounded by a bunch of aliens. It wasn't sudden as much as you shot the one that tried to greet you, then waited for the others to all show up. Psh. Whatever. So, there I was, surrounded by aliens, and that's when I decided to bust out my weapons. See the main problem with the guy whose powers I have is that he has two arms. Thankfully, I'm a S… Llurks, so I can just shapeshift into myself with more arms. So, while Wade deals with two swords OR a sword and a gun OR two guns, I can have two swords, two guns, AND a rocket launcher. You didn't even load the rocket launcher! It was just there to show off! Well, it worked, didn't it?

    I mean, this wasn't much of a challenge considering my initial test after getting my powers. That was a tough fight. I mean, sigh… Super-Llurks with the powers of Enirevlow, or  Acirema Niatpac, or Nam Nori, or the Dog of Rednuht, Mighty Roht. Oh, come on, we're taking the backwards names a little too fa… Shhh, we can't let them know that. Otherwise, they will sue us. It has to be the way it is. Otherwise the reader won't be able to get it if we're too subtle. After all, not everybody knows these characters like the writer up there. Hey, leave me out of this. Whatever. Anyway, back to what I was saying, I'm pretty sure, we fought guys with powers from the competition! Guys like Namrepus or Nomaw Rednow. That was subtle, right? First off, they wouldn't have used non-Levram characters in a Levram comic. What about the crossover with the Namrepus slash Nam-Redips homage from Egami? Hey, stop interrupting my interruptions! Anyway, I think we can get away with it. It isn't subtle, by the, sigh, Llurks gods, it isn't subtle. But, this isn't done to make a profit, and somewhat parodical, right?  Sure, that's what we'll tell the lawyers. And hey, reader, don't go blabbing to CD and Levram about this. I mean, it's a harmless story, right? Well, I mean the story itself is harmless. Obviously I did a lot of harm to others in it. But the story itself They get the point, Nv'mzt, move on already. Okay, fine.

    Long story short, I found out the aliens hadn't been found by other races because they were unknowingly cloaked from detection and unknowingly emitting a signal that subtly drives away intruders. It makes people not want to go there sub-consciously. Of course, my sub-conscious didn't want to go there I'm not really your sub-conscious as much as an artificial construction of your own imagin Aw, cram it, voice. Ahem, I just don't listen to my sub-conscious because IT COMPLAINS TOO MUCH ABOUT EVERYTHING. Anyway, I Hey, why are you wrapping up? I just noticed you're wrapping up. There was a lot more to talk about from that journey. Yeah, but it didn't involve as much me kicking everybody's ass, so it wasn't as interesting. Besides, we're aiming for under 2000 words here, and if I started talking about that, well, that was a long time to find all that stuff about them out and you would just keep derailing me on tange… Oooh, shiny… Yes, well, I hope you enjoyed the story well enough. I hope Nv'nzt wasn't too much of an unlikable character and that I wasn't too charming and Alright, voice, that's enough.

    So, yeah. Ahem. Um, I don't really have anything else to say about the story, I came, I kicked ass, I left. That's the plot. It kind of got a little buried, but I hope you were able to get enough of it out of this mess of words. And whose fault is that? You get distracted by things like chimichangas and you've never even been on Earth to have them. Oooh, chimichangas… No, focus, focus! I may find it hard to focus, but people still like me. No, seriously, they do. Well, my creator likes me. Well… this was fun and all, but, I like the guy you're based off of more than you, so… Aw, what do you know? Anyway, I… No, wait. Don't cut me of

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